5 Questions You Shouldn't Ask (But Really Want To) — Simon Caine

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We all know there are some questions you should never ask because a) They’re awkward, b) They’re unnecessary and c) You now know way too much about your granny’s sex life. Here at Fringebiscuit though, we have no such reservations. We’ve been asking Fringe performers the things we you really want to know. The latest victim to be pushed over the edge by our inappropriate curiosity is comedian and self-identifying anxiety sufferer Simon Caine.

Fringebiscuit: Shortest date you've ever had?

Simon Caine: I once went on a date with a comedian at a time when I was on what can only be called a "dating spree". I'd been on about 6 dates in two weeks and was bored of having zero interest or connection with these people but still having to give up a weekend.

Within 5 minutes of hanging out it was clear I had no interest in her and I was pretty sure she had no interest in me. I was about to make an excuse and she got out £5 from her purse and said "this is for the drink" (I had purchased the round) and she left.

She's now one of my best friends.

FB: Strangest thing you've ever said during sex?

SC: This one is hard to answer as I'm fairly kinky so "strange"' things I've said to vanilla people are probably not for other kinksters but... I was once having kinky sex with a girl and I called out our agreed safe word - Chupacabra.

When I suggested that she hadn't asked what a Chupacabra is but as soon as I called it out everything stopped. But I was still in her. Face to face. And she said "what is a Chupacabra?" And I answered "it's got wings of a bat, claws of a t rex. Sometimes it has wings. It sucks the blood of goats if you believe the internet forums."

We dated for about a month after that, if you're interested.

FB: Your best friend has died, leaving a bereaved (but very attractive) widow. Thoughts?

SC: I'd hit on them. I might wait until after the funeral. But it depends how attractive and interesting they are.

FB: You have a rare, incurable disease which causes you to turn into an animal of your choice at orgasm. What do you choose?

SC: I've got some follow up questions to this:

i) is this only when I wank? If so, a dog. Because I love dogs and think they must have a great time at sex - they founded a style / position.

ii) if it's when I have sex, do they turn into the animal? And if so, it would be a dog as well.

Not sure why I asked the follow up questions.

FB: The most trivial thing that's ever triggered a panic attack?

SC: Opening a letter from the bank telling me I owed them £2387 (but it was for the previous tenant. I spent 3 hours on the phone trying to sort it before someone realised it wasn't for me).

See Simon Caine: Every Room Becomes a Panic Room When You Overthink Enough at Sweet Grassmarket, Aug 17—20, 22—25. Tickets here.